


cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath

by donutworry



Category: The Vampire Diaries & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Relationship Between Adult and Minor, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kai is 90s Alt/Grunge Trash, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, gross teenage boys saying gross shit about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 22:08:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8914795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donutworry/pseuds/donutworry
Summary: || AU: All human, high school/graduation, modern day, age adjustments. ||To Kai, summer nights are blazing up, pining after his best friend’s super-hot-and-way-outta-his-league (ex?) girlfriend, and doing his best to ignore the hollowed out ache in his chest.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This /was/ a Tumblr exclusive fic (I have like, only one more that is) that I endeavored to make as a means of cheering up the Bonkamily on that site. Anyway, I know I made it kinda hard to find because I tagged people and not the post, so if you don't follow me or any of the people I tagged, it would be virtually impossible for you to find it. After some thought, I decided to make it easier to access.
> 
> So, here. An edited version, that can be found without digging through the endless scroll hole that is Tumblr. It's not as aesthetically formatted as its Tumblr twin, but it is less rough. Please enjoy.

 

-o0o-

Blueberry flavored smoke settles in his lungs, the THC slowly numbing his brain as he tries to focus on Jeremy’s bitching. Kai’s starting to regret doing a pre-circle blaze with just the two of them, but Jeremy had got some good stuff from his dealer and Kai has been itching to toke for the past 48-hours, having grown tired of dealing with his own thoughts without the brick and mortar of a good high. He sips at his beer and just hopes the crossfade will be enough to mask his annoyance for his best friend.

“She’s going to keep cheering at Whitmore ya know? Fuck. And she’s probably going to join a sorority. She’s going to be _that_ girl. Fuuuuuuck,” the artist throws himself back on the bean bag, hands thrown over his eyes as he bemoans his shitty fate. “She’s going to cheat on me Kai. Or dump me. Or both. For some douchey, sweater-vest sporting _frat daddy_.”

Kai blows out the cloud he’s been holding throughout Jeremy’s rant right into the other boy’s face. He peers over his aviators at the youngest Gilbert with hooded eyes and an arched eyebrow.

“You’ve cheated on her before though? It’s only fair she get some side-dick of her own.”

Jeremy scowls at the ceiling. “That’s in the past, man. She forgave me, I’m trying to be a better man.”

Kai snorts and sits up. “Wooooow, Jerry-boy, you’re really fucked up aren’t you? Who are you again? Are you the same guy who tried to get me to bukkake Vicki Donovan behind the bleachers with you three days ago?”

Jeremy frogs him and glares. “Shut up!” he hisses. “I was different then.” Kai takes another puff off the joint, then deadpans a judgemental look his friend’s way when he passes it over. He hopes his shades add to the effect of the silent _bullshit_ he was going for.

“No. You’re not. You took the blowjob and had me watch out for your sister and your girlfriend when I told you I wasn’t interested in Donovan’s herpes. Three days ago. The only difference now is that today, your girlfriend - who is way out of your league “ _and deserves better than you_ he doesn’t add, ”is graduated and you’ve finally fucking realized what that means.”

He pulls his vape out of his pocket and drags on that while Jeremy takes the time to digest his words. The beer bottle in between his fingers is cool and wet to the touch, the condensation soothing. Kai is fascinated by the idea that this water is the same as the water in the ocean and the clouds and seventy percent of his body, and that someday, when he’s dead and gone, all that water will still remain. He’ll be immortal and forgotten, just like every other living thing before him.

Jeremy opens up his mouth to speak again when Kai is sipping at the beer, but he gets interrupted by the clamour of laughs and voices as the others make their way up to the attic. Jeremy shoots Kai warning look, telling him without words that they’ll finish the conversation later. The Parker boy ignores the look, because isn’t it a given? He wasn’t going to say anything.

If there was one thing Kai’s good at, he thinks bitterly, it’s keeping secrets.

“Hey!” Elena greets as she strolls over to the attic lounge, Stefan’s hand clasped in hers. The perfect couple, he thinks, saluting them and chugging down the rest of his beer. He peruses the rest of the group as they settle in, circling up. Stefan and Elena take one end of the sofa across from him, while Caroline and Tyler take the other after depositing pizza boxes and paper plates on the table.

He avoids looking at Matt -it’s hard not to see his friend’s sister doing gross things to Jer’s dick when he looks at him - who settles down on the floor besides his best friend and Kai’s head, in favor of checking out Bonnie’s legs through the veil of his sunglasses as she makes her way over to the futon. He has to turn his gaze up to the ceiling though when she goes to kiss Jeremy - watching the two of them be affectionate has always made Kai uncomfortable. He and Bonnie always used to fight for the futon, especially after she started dating Jeremy and wanted to sit closer to him and his fucking beanbag without being overly affectionate in front of everyone. Kai would spread out over it and Bonnie’d nag at him to move and they would lobby barbs at each other like they were at war.

“Okay, who hid the licorice? No one here likes licorice except me, seriously guys,” Stefan pouts and Kai can see Jeremy biting back his cackle. He rolls his eyes.

He ignores the chatter and the increased volume as Bonnie bends over him. She had finally compromised to Kai’s bullheadedness about the futon with her own and started doing what she does now: picking up his legs and laying them over her lap, settling into the corner of futon closest to Jeremy and then pretending Kai didn’t exist. It’s a pattern by now. Kiss Jeremy, maneuver Kai out of the way, take a seat and ignore him. Aside from his calves settled across the tops of her thighs, they make no contact or acknowledgement of each other.

It was all just as well to him. Kai doesn’t need anymore fodder for his spank bank or thirst-driven hate. He hopes that when she goes to Whitmore that she _does_ dump Jeremy’s sorry ass, if only to put Kai out his misery. He can deal with his friend’s whining if it meant he didn’t have to see Bonnie all the time himself.

Bonnie and Kai never really liked each other. Or rather, Bonnie never really liked him, treating him pretty much the same way as she treated Damon, Stefan’s narcissistic, overly sexed fuckboy of an older brother, who was currently off in California, doing god knows what with Elena and Jeremy’s hot cousin Katherine (who could pass as Elena’s sex kitten doppelganger, to be honest) and her boyfriend Elijah.

Yeah. Kai shudders at the idea and suppresses it.

But for whatever reason, Kai’s savage and amazing sense of humor along with his blatant disregard for rules and authority rubbed Bonnie the wrong way as much as Damon’s selfishness and whoring around did. Hot or not, she was a judgemental priss. Kai, in his usual trickster spirit, was awesome and felt sorry for her inability to appreciate it.

But he agrees with her, Damon sucked.

Kai snags a family-sized bag of Doritos for himself and fades in and out of the conversation. More blunts are lit and the pizza is consumed. The idiots around him start to get rowdy. Matt and Tyler, ever the moodmakers, are doing their best renditions of K-Pop girl group dances, which is fucking hilarious to watch considering that no one would ever think the star quarterback and running back would even be into that.

Bonnie’s laugh draws his attention and he looks over at her automatically. Kai can’t help the reaction, always lusting after her smiles and her thoughts the way he was. It annoys him. She catches the shift in his focus somehow and looks his way as well. To his surprise she squeezes his leg good-naturedly before turning away to answer Caroline’s screeching question.

And fuck, it was probably the crossfade, but Kai doesn’t remember the rest of the circle that night.

-o0o-

Kai tries sleeping in his own bed for once a few days later and can’t stop the rush of anxiety that douses him. He can’t stand being alone anymore. The quiet in his room is suffocating, the other occupants of the house all tucked into bed. Joey and Ingrid probably helped their dad deal with Dillon and the twins. It should be Kai’s responsibility, him being the oldest, but most days he can’t look at his shrunken family without wanting to scream, so he keeps himself busy. Surprisingly, his dad hasn’t said anything about Kai’s increasingly distant and rebellious behavior.

Sitting up in his bed, he flicks his desk lamp on and pulls a journal out of his bedside table.

The pages are soft and the spine is worn, the little diary stuffed with sticky notes and paper-clipped photos and art. He thumbs at the pages thoughtlessly, letting the smell of jasmine and stationary fill his nose. Opening up to a certain page, Kai traces the curving loops of his sister’s cursive and distantly stares at the blotchy black and white photo clipped to the page. His chest feels tight.

Fuck. No. Kai can’t do this.

Snapping the journal shut, he tosses it back into the nightstand drawer and gets up, swiping his keys after dressing in a rush.

In his car, he feels like he can breathe again, away from the suffocating pressure of feelings he doesn’t want to face and guilt he can’t suppress into oblivion. So he drives around the dark streets of Mystic Falls after midnight, his favorite grunge songs coming gently from the speakers. The music reminds him that Jo used to joke that he was born in the wrong era, but he pushes her from his mind. He thinks about hotboxing, but figures being a minor driving aimlessly after curfew would be enough to get him in trouble with the local small town police department without adding an MIP charge to the ticket.

His mind goes blank for a bit. Kai wonders what the gang is up to, if they’re packing up and getting ready to start their adult lives now that the majority of them, except for himself and Jeremy, were graduated adults. Kai’s young, but already he feels mildly tired of being left behind.

_Thoughts arrive like butterflies_

_Oh he don't know_

_So he chases them away_

_Someday yet he'll begin his life again_

_Life again_

The song is grating, hitting a bit too close to home. He doesn’t know why he let _Even Flow_ play this long. He turns down the Gilberts’ street and thinks about changing the song, but lethargy has sapped his usual iron will of its strength. The thought process is abandoned, however, when he catches sight of a haunched figure walking briskly down the sidewalk towards him.

His headlights must attract their attention, because the person looks up and Kai immediately recognizes the lines and curves of that form and the lithe fluidity of its motions. He brakes and rolls down his window at the same time Bonnie stops walking to stare at his Sonata.

“Hey,” he calls. “What’s up?”’

She glowers at him. The tiny cheerleader looks pissed as she marches over to his side and Kai is taken aback when she reaches in the open window and slaps him.

“What the fuck?” Bonnie ignores him, petite fists wailing on his shoulder and the arm he uses to shield his face. It’s _her_ face that gets him though, contorted in angry lines with silent tears wetting her cheeks. She doesn’t make a sound as she hits him and it’s kind of disturbing, so he puts the car in park. The door hits Bonnie when he throws it open, but all she does is stumble back.

She launches herself at him again, and Kai thinks it’s almost funny that Bonnie Bennett, cheerleader, salutatorian, and prom queen is trying to pick a fight with him, resident rebellious bad boy who’s been both suspended and arrested for fighting and smoking and ditching class more times than he can count.

Bonnie hits hard though, surprising strength lining that petite body, and Kai is tired of getting smacked, so he finally grabs at her wrists and swings her body into the side of his car, trapping her against it with his larger frame. Movement restricted, she glares up at him and spits.

“What the fuck is your _problem?_ ” he snarls, wiping his face against his hoodie sleeve.

“You fucking knew!” she snaps back. From inside his car, the lyrics of _Everything Zen_ reaches him, and he would be surprised that he let Bonnie assault him long enough for the song to change if he wasn’t so pissed.

_Try to see it once my way_

_Everything zen, everything zen_

_I don't think so_

_Everything zen, everything zen_

_I don't think so_

Anger has eviscerated Kai’s brain, because her message doesn’t register. “Knew what?”

“You knew about Jeremy cheating on me!”

“Everyone knew about Anna, Bonnie, are you fucking kidding me?”

“ _That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it, you bastard!_ ”

The utter vehemence in her voice shocks him out of his rage and dread replaces the ichor of anger in his belly. He stares at her green Bambi eyes, distraught and glassy with tears, and the bitter guilt he’s always felt the need to swallow comes back up. He could choke whenever he thought about Jeremy and the shitty way he treated his relationship with Bonnie, but it wasn’t his place to say anything.

Kai didn’t owe her any loyalty: Jeremy was a fucking moron and a horny asswad, but Kai loved him because he was _his_ fucking moron and horny asswad. Jeremy was his best friend since diapers and Bonnie was just the girl between them. Kai and Bonnie weren’t friends, not really. He wasn’t sure what they were, but whatever that other thing was between them wasn’t enough to warrant throwing away an entire lifetime of friendship. He wouldn’t let it be.

But guilt still naws at him, the sight of her tear-streaked face forcing the pieces of his already broken heart to tremble and so -

“I’m sorry,” he means it sincerely and her breath stutters. He guesses Bonnie didn’t expect his total compliance, but then he hasn’t been himself lately. She searches his face, and for once, he doesn’t shutter it, lays it bare and lets her see what she needs to see. Kai releases his grip on her arms when he feels her relax, stepping back warily and eyeing her as she rubs the skin he just let go. He hopes she got his message, because he refused to vocalize it. As much they ruffled each other, they got each other, as annoying as it was. He supposes it was a case of know thy enemy, but Bonnie, for all he wanted her too, didn’t really feel like his enemy.

Silence stretches between them, Bonnie taking her time to digest his apology and Kai waiting patiently for her verdict.

“I’m hungry,” she announces. Her voice is dull and cracked, but the tone is friendly. An opening for peace. He stares at her momentarily, gauging her, before accepting.

“You feel like Baconators and Frosties?”

She laughs softly, brushing her hair back, her bangs fluttering against her face softly. “Sounds good,” Bonnie acquiesces and makes her way to the passenger seat.

 _Drown_ starts to play lowly in the background as he makes his way to the highway for their fast food run. His eyes flick to the girl folded up beside him. Bonnie is quiet, eyes closed and heart broken, and he’s sure that the break up Jeremy was dreading is a done deal. He looks away, focuses on the road, and lets Billy Corgan’s voice wash over him.

_No matter where you are_

_I can still hear you when you drown_

_You've traveled very far_

_Just to see you I'll come around_

_When I'm down_

_All of those yesterdays_

_Coming around_

-o0o-

Bonnie calls him around noon the next day, waking him up, and it’s both an unsettling and joyful event. It’s not a surprise that they have each other’s numbers, but the utilization of this is pretty much nil. Their talk and text history is abysmal.

“Wanna hang out?” she asks. “I can pick you up.”

He contemplates turning her down, acting as his usual self towards her. But he knows her bravery and understands the invitation for what it really is: a second chance.

So he tells her “If you can be here in ten, I’ll pay for lunch.” She chuckles and agrees.

Kai dresses and brushes his teeth, pocketing his vape, two blunts and his zippo. He keeps an eye on the time as he gets ready and to his pleasant surprise, she’s texting “outside” by the eight minute mark. She must have sped, the competitive little pygmy - she lives twelve minutes away by car. Checking his wallet for cash, Kai laces up his red Converse and head outside.

“Impressive,” he greets her when he’s in the passenger seat and she shrugs nonchalantly. The ride to the Mystic Grill is quiet but comfortable, the two of them simply enjoying the presence of the other and the soft notes of Bonnie’s weird ass Motown playlist filling the space between them with its vibrations. Lunch is an easy affair, too. Their conversation is muted but flowing, but there’s a precipice of change that they’re dangling dangerously over. Kai’s not sure which way they’ll fall or which way he wants them to, but he knew upon accepting her invitation that there’s no going back to how they were, so he doesn’t sweat the details.

When they’re done, he pays as promised and then they’re on the road again. When the path switches from smooth pavement to gravel and dirt and the trees grow denser, Kai recognizes that she’s taking him to the swimming hole.

“I didn’t bring swim trunks,” he shares. Bonnie blinks in mock innocence.

“Oh no? Did I forget to tell you where we were going?”

He scoffs. “Is this my L?”

She shoots him a saccharine smile. “It’s your L.”

“Ah,” he nods. “I’ll take it.”

“Of course you will,” she declares. “Otherwise you’ll be begging for my forgiveness. What’s a little private embarrassment compared to that?”

He chuckles and shakes his head, relaxing into the seat. He realizes that he’s probably taking Jeremy’s punishment along with his own, but it’s fine. Bonnie probably really didn’t want to deal with Jeremy and Kai was never one to back down from a challenge.

It’s embarrassing, but it’s funny. Bonnie records him doing a rendition of _What Does the Fox Say?_ in his underwear and he has to wonder what she'll use it for. He gets her back in an impromptu game of chase though, that ends with him jumping into the waterhole with her fully clothed - sans purse, which she begged him to take off of her.

She splashes him irritatedly while he laughs. His clothes are dry and if he goes commando, he can be fairly comfortable, but he feels kind of bad for her. So they sit in their underwear together under the sun as Bonnie waits for the heat to air dry her clothes, chatting about school and future plans. He diverts the topic any time it skirts around his family and she does the same whenever it skirts around Jeremy.

The blunts gets lit and shared between them and before long they’re in a fit of giggles about nyan cat and watching Harlem Shake videos on their phones. It’s their first time having a circle alone, and it ends up being one of the most fun Kai was ever in.

It’s pleasant. And weird. All alone in the woods in nothing but their skivvies, he feels like the Adam to her Eve. But that’s not right, Kai thinks. Eve was made from Adam’s rib, made _for_ him, and it’s the opposite for them. If Kai has to admit to anything this girl makes him feel, it's that Kai’s the one made from Bonnie’s soft exhalations and her girlish smiles and her fluttering lashes. He was made for her, not the other way around.

But she doesn’t know and probably wouldn’t care if she did and as Kai finds himself tracing the curve of her cheek with his eyes, he begins to wish once more that things might change.

-o0o-

The first few weeks of summer fuck Kai up with how weird and dichotomous they are. His time is split between days and nights: His days are spent comforting Jeremy's cheating heart woes and trying to contain his best friend’s win-her-back schemes, while his nights...his nights are…

Fun? Tortuous? A balm? A curse?

He feels like some sort of twisted couple’s therapist with the way he comforts Jeremy and distracts Bonnie. The group circles have pretty much dissipated, the ripples of the Beremy Breakup affecting the group dynamics enough to make their little toke hangouts awkward. Kai smokes almost daily anyway and relishes the distraction, his flip-flopping between the former couple preventing him from pressure cooking at home.

Kai doesn’t tell Jeremy about spending his nights watching movies or hanging down at the swimming hole with Bonnie, although Bonnie knows that he probably hangs out with Jeremy when he’s not with her. She doesn’t mention the Gilbert at all during their little therapy sessions, not to ask or rant about him, and it amazes Kai how much they actually have to talk about when they’re alone.

It’s like the summer after fifth grade all over again, when Kai first took notice of Bonnie and couldn’t stop noticing even if he wanted too. They were never really friends, their social circles were completely different. For the longest, she’d always just been Jeremy’s hot older sister’s hot older friend. Then one day, it was like - he could just _see_ her and she was an eclipse, the aurora borealis, a supernova and he was weak before the heavens.

And he kept seeing her until he realized that Jeremy was starting to see her too and when his friend began his dogged pursuit of the girl, Kai forced himself to look away. Forced himself to harden up around her, to push her away with his attitude. Ignoring the gravity Bonnie had on him is an old hat trick by now.

Once upon a time, he used to fantasize that they would be like Stefan and Elena, two souls clearly meant for each other. Like a little kid, he would play fantasy sequences of their wedding in his head, how they would look together all dressed up (Kai hates dress clothes, but he looks damn good in them), how she would smash tiramisu wedding cake in his face (it was her favorite cake), and how he would cart her off to their honeymoon in a horse carriage (Kai also hates horses, but Bonnie loves them) for a lodge in the woods (being outdoorsy, nature-freaks was something they had in common).

Now though, he flops back on his beach towel to dry off and pulls out his vape in favor of lighting up the joint he had in his hoodie pocket. The only thing he wants in his head is the pleasant buzz still lingering from smoking with Jeremy earlier, his mind hazy and quiet. The sweet vapor in his mouth tastes like coconut and vanilla, reminding him of the lotion Bonnie always rubbed on right after their swims.

Yeah, fifth grade summer all over again. Only this time, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to resist the pull of her like his 11-year-old self could, if six years of pining and jealousy have rusted down his will.

Kai sighs, putting his trusty aviators over his closed eyes and pulling the bone melting relaxation over himself like a blanket. He starts to hum _Still Remains_ , picking up in the middle of the song.

“- I’d beg for you, oh you know I'll beg for you, pick a song and sing a yellow nectarine, take a bath I'll drink the water that you leave. If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend,” he sings lowly.

“That stuff smells like my lotion,” Bonnie’s voice sounds above him and he bites back his grin, wondering if this girl actually did live in his thoughts. Instead, he crosses his arms behind his head and continues to hum the song, a little embarrassed to sing the lyrics now that she was by him.

“What song is that?” she asks softly and he goes quiet. Opening his eyes, he sees her kneeling over him in the soft twilight. He doesn’t look below her face, doesn’t want to run the risk of popping a boner in front of her because she’s not very covered up by the flesh-colored bikini that adorns her body.

“ _Still Remains_ ,” he murmurs. “By Stone Temple Pilots.”

“Ah,” she nods sagely. “More 90’s alt shit.” Kai grins.

“Yeah.” He closes his eyes again, unable to look at her any longer without giving himself away and keeps humming. She sits with him quietly, tracing patterns on his bare skin with a lone finger. Kai has to suppress the shivers that come from the sensation.

“Kai?” Bonnie ventures and he turns his head towards her. She pauses and he opens up his eyes again to meet her gaze. “Are you okay?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“No, Jeremy is a prick, but I mean - are you okay? Since everything with Jo?”

Despite the oppressive heat, coldness washes over Kai and he rolls over, turning his back to her. He’s dry now, but the chill feels too real, too much, and he wishes Bonnie had kept her concerns to herself.

“Hot girls in bikinis are for showing, not telling.”

She hits his shoulder, then lets her hand rest there, thumb rubbing circles into his skin. The place is a hotspot compared to cold overtaking the rest of him. “Kai...”

“Shut up, Bonnie.”

She falls silent, but her hand - or the rest of her - doesn’t leave him. Instead, he feels her lie down on the towel beside him, soft body cradling his when she throws a slender arm around his waist. He hates her, wants to throw her off of him just like he wants to tug her closer. Fucking bitch.

“Okay,” she says and he hopes to god she doesn’t mean everything that word indicates she does.

-o0o-

They’re watching _Transformers_ at her place when the “okay” he hoped he misinterpreted comes back. She brings it up quietly, interrupting his thoughts on how orange a spray-tanned Megan Fox looked. Kai would hit Bonnie if she wasn’t a girl and probably the unsung love of his life for harping on it. Lord knows how many times he had to frog Jeremy and the guys for daring to bring it up in his presence.

He blames how comfortable he’s gotten with her lately for how much the conversation shakes him. Bonnie’s slouched on one end the sectional, chin propped up by one hand resting on the seat arm and the other playing in his dark locks. Kai’s lying down on her, as usual, only this time it’s his head in her lap instead of his legs. He’d been trying his best to focus on the movie and not the soft skin being chafed by his fledgling beard when she speaks.

“Mr. Saltzman’s trial is soon isn’t it?” The question comes from out of nowhere and Kai’s not ready for it, his defenses some what disabled by the lull of the TV and her hand in his hair.

Tension forces Kai’s spine to go rigid and he growls her name in warning. She, as usual, ignores his aggression and continues her unwanted interrogation.

“Are you going to testify? You knew, right? About him an-?”

Kai lurches up and off the couch, whirling to face her in fury. “Fuck off, Bonnie. I’m out.”

He’s not prepared for her to dart around him and literally block his path, small hands trapping his shoulders between them. He shrugs her off and makes to move around her, but she grips his arm instead.

“What?” he yells. He’s over it. If she wants to fight about it, fine. Kai’s not holding back.

Bonnie’s undeterred by his wrath, meeting him head on. His visceral reaction must have gotten to her though, because the gentle nature she’d first broached the subject with has evaporated.

“You must have felt guilty right? I mean, you knew for months what was going on between them and you didn’t say anything to anyone,” she tilts her head thoughtfully, and hums. “Kind of like how you didn’t say anything to me about Jeremy fucking around on me.”

Fuck her. He yanks his arm from her grasp and gets in her face. “I didn’t say anything to you,” Kai’s voice is low and calm. Pure venom. “Because I didn’t fucking care about you. You were stupid. It was so obvious. Jeremy could have fucked everyone on the cheer squad, all of your little friends, and I would have fucking laughed with everyone else when the word finally got back to you.”

She recoils and slaps him. He lets it land, but he expects the second hit, catching her hand midway. He throws it back at her and scoffs.

“It’s been real, Bonster,” he calls over his shoulder, making his way out the door.

Kai drives angry. He knows when his temper cools, guilt will hit him like a sledgehammer and he’ll regret his harsh words and the look of pain they caused in her eyes. But right now, he doesn’t care about his love for the petite woman he’d just abandoned and how much it’s been nurtured the past month. He won’t let anyone, _anyone,_ touch that place of vulnerability. Not his dad, not Jeremy, and not Bonnie.

He’ll break.

-o0o-

Hours later and his face still stings where Bonnie slapped him. Once again, he’s taken aback at how hard the cheerleader can hit. Lying across his bed in the dark, he hopes vehemently that she smacked the shit out of Jerry-boy like that when his dogging around came to light. Kai refuses to believe he’s the only one she can wail on like that.

Jo’s diary is pressed to his chest, opened up to the same page it had been when he drove out and picked up an angry Bonnie. He hasn’t looked at it since then, but the wound is raw and open again, and it’s hard for him to breathe through it.

Bonnie was right though. Guilt saturates him whenever he thinks about Jo or her empty room across the hall or the moments right before he blazes himself out of his skull when he just really needs to talk to his sister. He could have said something when he found out about her and _him_ , could’ve told his dad, could’ve saved his twin sister.

But he didn’t. Kai snorts. He’s always been good at keeping secrets, but his affinity for it seems to hurt everyone else.

He’s the one hurting now. He’s been hurting since that January night, since he had to celebrate his birthday alone for the first time since he was born, since he had to agree to testify in the case against Alaric Saltzman, since he had finally learned to ignore the pitying looks sent his way whenever he was in town.

Kai grips Jo’s diary tighter. It’s all he has left of her, her innermost thoughts penned on gridded paper in colorful ink. The book is a shitty replacement for the real thing, especially since he can’t bear to read the last few months’ worth of entries. There’s nothing there he doesn’t know anyways.

_Dear diary, my history teacher, Mr. Saltzman, is so dreamy._

_Dear diary, I let my teacher fuck me and I swore my brother to secrecy when he found out._

_Dear diary, I’m pregnant._

_Dear diary, I can’t do this. I’m so scared. I can’t think of another way out._

Pulling a pillow over his face, Kai muffles a scream into it and holds it there. The abandoned diary lies strewn across his chest, one open wound on another. Kai wonders if the pain between his lungs will finally dissipate if he could bleed it out all over the evil pages. If the hollow feeling, the _numbness_ will finally go.

He knows it won’t.

For the first time since winter, Kai cries.

-o0o-

Bonnie hasn’t talked to him in a week, dodges his calls and texts, is nowhere to be found when he shows up to the swimming hole. He waits and waits, doesn’t even bother getting high, but she never shows. The trial is in a few days and Kai misses her and their quiet conversations, the anxiety of having to face Saltzman and her absence at once leaving him high-strung and bitchy. Kai’s never had a girlfriend, but he imagines the way he feels now must correlate to the feeling dozens of lovers must feel when given the cold shoulder.

Irritated with his snappish behavior, Jeremy finally whips out his stash, fills a pipe and shoves it at Kai. They hardly ever fight, their bromance was way too perfect for that shit, but even Kai can admit that he wouldn’t want to deal with himself either when they were trying to hang out. Elena was out with Stefan and Grayson and Miranda were working, so the boys had the Gilbert house to themselves. Jeremy had wanted to devote the day to video games and pot, but Kai’s surliness was ruining the mood.

He texts Bonnie in between puffs from the pipe and bouts of aggressive _Call of Duty_ trashtalk. A small part of him feels bad that he can text his best friend’s ex the way he was, and a larger part of him feels worse that he doesn’t feel that bad at all. Kai’s been in love with Bonnie since he was eleven. Whether he admitted to his feelings or not, he’s always felt, even when she was Jeremy’s, that she was really his.

Because he was hers. Reciprocity was only fair.

Still, Kai thinks, eyes flicking to his phone, they can’t be much of anything if she won’t talk to him.

“Hey,” Jeremy snaps his fingers in front of Kai’s face. “Are you listening to me, asshole?”

Kai blinks at him. “What?”

Jeremy scoffs. “Fuckin’ knew it,” he mutters to himself. “I said, I think Bonnie might get back with me again. She started talking to me again and we’ve been doing okay.”

Something twists in Kai’s guts. Kai shoots a player who was trying to sneak up on his teammate. “Oh yeah? What makes you say that?”

“I don’t know, man. For like the past week, she’s been paying attention again and kind of...flirting?”

A week. As long as he and Bonnie have been fighting. Kai shoots another player. “You think that’s a good idea?”

“Yeah, man, duh! It’s freaking celebration worthy! Even if we don’t get back together, we might just screw,” Jeremy gets contemplative. “Which might be better actually. I get to still be with Bonnie and not be cheating on her when I get with other girls.”

Kai’s eye twitches and he goes rogue, shooting Jeremy’s character multiple times.

“What the fuck?!”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Jer? Just before she dumped your dumb ass, you were bitching about her maybe dumping you for someone else and now you’re - ugh, God!” Kai tosses the controller on Jeremy’s bed and tosses his friend a dirty look. “I need a drink.”

He bristles out of the room before Jeremy can reply, heading to the kitchen for a soda.

What a dickhole. For the past two years, Kai has acted as cupid and soundboard to Jeremy’s relationship _and_ sexcapades, exasperated but loyal. He’s over it. He’s done listening to Jeremy disregard and disrespect the girl that Kai’s wanted since he knew how to want girls. He’s tired of not saying anything until it’s too late, until people are hurt and Kai’s the one left standing awash in guilt. He’s through with biting back his thoughts in fear of alienating those who are supposed to love him no matter what.

He sips at the cherry soda, staring blankly at the wall until he realizes that Jeremy has materialized in the kitchen as well. Kai side-eyes his friend and waits.

“What’s your problem?” Jeremy finally asks. Kai shrugs.

“I’m just kinda pissed, dude. You did her wrong your entire relationship and for once I’m just not holding back on outright calling you out for being an asshole.”

“Right,” Jeremy stretches the word out, but he does look thoughtful. “And this has nothing to do with the trial in a few days?”

Kai scowls. “Do you want a beating?” Jeremy shrugs.

“Will it make you quit acting like a bitch?”

“Not likely.”

“Then no, I’m good,” he stares at Kai. “This thing about Bonnie then, it’s not...” he trails off and, for a moment, looks like he’s feeling all the guilt of his shameless cheating at once. It’s at odds with his usual careless manner.

“Not what?”

Jeremy shakes his head. “You’re right dude, I’m a dick. I should just leave her alone and be glad she forgave me.”

The mature admission is surprising. “Really?” Kai questions. It must insult Jeremy, because his eyes narrow and he flicks Kai off.

“Yes, you beta. Come on, I need to kick your ass for going rogue.”

Kai snorts. “Sure, Jerry-boy.” He follows after his friend anyway, smacking the back of his head as he barrels past him up the stairs. Kai settles down with a controller, checking his phone before the game restarts. He tries to ignore the disappointment when he sees Bonnie hasn’t texted him back.

-o0o-

Vacuuming the smoke that billows out from his mouth into his nostrils, Kai breathes deep, then blows it all out in rings. Smoke tricks have been a soothing way to pass the time, but even hotboxing to _Runaway Train_ doesn’t soothe the aggravation colonized under his skin. Kai hadn’t even bothered to change out of his suit before climbing in his car, tension migraine and jittery anger demanding to be pacified.

The trial had taken too fucking long, lasting all day and Saltzman’s defense had really tried him with the whole ‘if you knew the whole time, why didn’t you say anything’ bit. As if Kai didn’t ask himself the same question all the time. As if Kai hadn’t cared for his sister’s well-being before she got knocked up by their dickwad teacher who dropped her the moment he found out. As if he should have known the fucked up situation would drive Jo suicide. Kai wasn’t exactly a happy camper by the time the verdict was reached, having had to relive the worst fucking days of his young life. He doesn’t understand how hard it is for people to grasp: Saltzman was teacher who fucked his student, got her pregnant, then mindfucked her into killing herself. The case was open and shut in his eyes.

He felt vindicated upon hearing the words _guilty_ and _twenty years_ though.

Of course, he knows he’s biased. Losing Jo had been the hardest on him, and the worst thing to ever happen to him. Not even losing his mom to ALS had hurt as much, since at the time he’d had Jo to help him through the worst of the grief. He doesn’t know who he has now.

The dank isn’t really relieving his headache, but it’s not letting it get any worse, so Kai sits back and watches the music swirl around his head. Thoughts dance with the notes, whimsical and ethereal, but one stands out clearly.

Kai misses Bonnie.

She still isn’t talking to him, and maybe he got spoiled, became too accustomed to her voice and her affection and her time. Now she’s withholding herself and he swears his addiction to her is worse than his predilection to weed. At least he could hit up Jeremy or Tyler for more pot. He can’t just get a hit of Bonnie whenever he wanted, though. There’s an apology waiting on his tongue and he has a gift and a promise he intends to keep to give her, if only she’ll give him the time of day. But he needs to see her, needs to apologize for being an asshat before he can ask her to be anything more for him.

Malachai Parker has reached decision. He’s quit doing a lot of things lately, but one thing he hasn’t quite gotten over is hiding from his feelings for one 5’2” feisty little priss. That’s done now too. He wants to see where it goes, if the pull is a one way attraction; he doesn’t think it is. Not with the way her breath stutters and her eyes grow wider and her smile gets even prettier around him. People who don’t feel anything don’t look at people the way Bonnie’s been looking at him.

Taking another hit, Kai sits back with closed eyes and hums along to _Losing My Religion_ when it comes on. It scares the shit out of him when three sharp knocks resound on his window, making him jump, and his father’s demanding “Kai” hits his ears.

Shit.

His dad had taken his siblings out to eat earlier, but apparently Kai lost track of time and now he was busted. There’s no hiding what he’s been doing, so Kai just rolls down the window and tries not to wince when a cloud of marijuana smoke hits his hard-ass father in the face. He’s screwed.

Joshua Parker scowls and waves the smoke away. “Put it out and follow me.”

Kai obeys immediately, handing over the snuffed blunt and his keys when his dad gestures for them. Within five minutes, he and his dad are in his room, the older Parker somehow managing to sniff out all of Kai’s stashes and confiscating his pot, along with his vape. Kai suspects he probably already knew where they were hidden. Then, much to Kai’s dismay, he flushes all the bud and Kai watches forlornly as his only escape from reality literally goes down the drain.

“Clean up and be downstairs in ten minutes,” Joshua barks before spiriting out. Kai sighs and obeys.

He’s up shit creek without a paddle now. No need to make it worse.

Taking a quick shower and pulling on loose, black basketball shorts with a navy and green tank, Kai heads down to the kitchen where he knows his dad is waiting to ream him.

To his surprise, there’s a Wendy’s bag that smells like Baconator in the seat next to his dad, who waves at it, letting Kai know it was for him. Kai rips into it without hesitation, nearly weeping when he realized that his dad brought him two burgers and a large order of fries. He’s also extremely weirded out, even though he knows Joshua was never one for withholding meals as punishment. His dad is silent as Kai eats, something else that freaks him out.

When Kai is done, he finally speaks up. “No car, no smoking anything, no phone, and no Jeremy for three weeks. Extra chores, no allowance. Curfew’s eleven’o’clock sharp, no exceptions. You can text your little friends and let them know, then I want your phone.”

Kai has to bite back his protests. There’s little over a month left of summer anyway and three weeks of being grounded leaves him with about two more to make up with Bonnie before she goes off to Whitmore for her first semester. He’s been a little shit lately and, knowing his father, the man had pretty much let him run wild for the past half year. Apparently, Kai’s grace period has reached it’s end.

He only texts Jeremy and, after some hesitation, Bonnie and lets them both know he was on punishment before turning the phone off and passing it to his dad. He can tell his dad has more to say and waits for the rest.

“Kai,” Joshua sighs. It seems like the weight of the world is in that exhale, and Kai suddenly realizes that today, the man before him had to relive losing a child. It's a mind fuck and leaves Kai unprepared for his dad wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him into a hug. “It’s time to let go, son.”

No. Oh no, no, no. Kai can’t do this. Not now. Not today, when everything is once again so raw and fresh. Pressure builds behind his ribs and he stiffens, trying to force back the tears seeking escape. Bonnie and his dad, always in his freaking head, which Kai shakes against his dad’s shoulder. He doesn’t need them sweeping through shit he doesn’t want to deal with. Kai tries to pull away, but the family patriarch only squeezes him tighter, runs a comforting hand through his hair.

“It’s okay, son,” and god, no, his dad isn’t this gentle. His dad can’t be this gentle, otherwise Kai’s not gonna be able to bite back anything. “It’s okay to move on.”

“I can’t, Dad, I-I,” Kai gasps out, bites his lip. He takes a breath. “I could have saved her, Dad. I should have told you, I should have-”

His father only pulls him closer. “You were trying to be a good brother, Kai. It’s not your fault. No one is blaming you for what happened with Jo except yourself.”

And that’s it. His father’s words, naming the cross Kai’s been bearing and trying to help him carry the weight, finally breaks down the walls Kai put up around his heart six months ago. The tears stinging his eyes finally break loose and Kai wraps an arm around his dad’s waist and let’s them out. His dad keeps rubbing his head, murmurs soft comforts to soothe his eldest boy.

Kai’s not sure how long he spends crying into the soft cotton covering his dad’s chest, but by the time he’s all cried out, his headache is back and his embarrassment is overwhelming. He pulls away and looks down, playing with a thread on his shorts.

“Sorry,” he mutters.

Joshua scoffs. “What for? You needed to let it out before you imploded. I’m your father, I’m supposed to be there for you.” Kai looks up at him. He looks like his dad, he thinks, him and Jo having inherited the dark locks now starting to grey and the stormy eyes their dad held. The older Parker male is a hardass, but he’s a good dad. He only wants the best for his kids and sometimes he had to show them that through a combination of tough love and tenderness.

“I guess I did. Thanks.”

His dad drops a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. “You had your downward spiral, Kai. Time to pull it together.” With a final pat, he leaves Kai to clean up and pull himself together.

Kai throws away the trash from his dinner and cleans up the kitchen. His dad is going to hold him to his punishment, but it’s not like Kai hadn’t earned the grounding. He’ll deal with it, sober up.

Then, Kai promises himself, he’s going to earn his girl’s love.

-o0o-

The last week of his grounding, Tyler drops by to invite him to go to his now-annual end of summer bash. Joshua supervises the visit in the background, grunts his approval for Kai to go with a warning for him not to get carried away unless he wants an ass-kicking, then disappears to let the boys play a pickup game of one-on-one in the drive-way. Tyler’s easy to hang with, always chill and down to party, and Kai enjoys his company. The only sport Tyler’s actually good at is football though, so within fifteen minutes, Kai’s got him whipped.

The ball swishes through the hoop again after leaving his fingers again and Kai grins. Tyler shakes his head and laughs, chasing after the basketball.

“Why didn’t you ever try out for the team, man?”

“Just because _you_ suck doesn’t mean I’m that great,” Kai replies. “Besides, do I look like the type to be all into that school spirit rah-rah shit?”

“Half our squad is in on the rah-rah shit. ”

Kai pauses. “Well damn.”

Tyler bounces the ball back at him. “I gotta go, dude. I have a date with Caroline soon and if I show up all sweaty and shit, she’ll castrate me,” he pats him on the back.

Kai looks over at the setting and nods. “Yeah, yeah, hoes before bros, I got you man.” Tyler laughs and frogs him for calling Caroline a hoe, but his “see ya later” is good-natured, so Kai knows he’s not in any real shit for it.

Left alone, Kai cleans mowed grass off the driveway and waters the flower bed like his dad had asked him to. The summer day is sweltering, but Kai likes the weight of the heat on his back. He feels like he’s been numb for so long, but being able to just feel the sun and appreciate the warmth is enlightening.

It’s weird. Kai’s on punishment and sober, but he feels better than he has in a long time.

-o0o-

When he shows up to the party, Caroline squeals and sweeps him into a hug like he’d been off at war instead of grounded for smoking pot. He has to turn slightly so that the weight in his pocket doesn’t hurt her for how forcefully she slams into him.

“Ugh, do you know how boring circles are without you?” she berates. “Jeremy’s a prick and kills the mood and that bums out Matt and then there’s no one there to help Tyler keep up the mood, so Elena and Stefan just make out right there in front of everyone like the gross symbiotic example they are and Bonnie just reads a book and ignores everyone.”

She slaps his chest after talking off his ear and points a stern finger at him. “Do not _ever_ get grounded again!”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Kai grins and her expression softens.

“How are you?” she asks hesitantly and Kai knows she’s talking about the trial. He doesn’t blame her for being cautious about asking. Normally, Kai would get abrasive and vicious towards anyone who brings up the subject, so it must surprise her when he takes her hand and gives it a soft squeeze.

“I’m good, I think,” he replies. “I just needed to confront it.” Her answering smile is pretty and she squeezes his hand back.

“I’m glad.”

Tyler interrupts them then with a “Hey, hey, go find your own girlfriend.”

Kai pulls Caroline back into a hug. “Why would I do that when yours is so great?” he teases and Tyler pretends to get mad, the two of them play fighting until Caroline breaks up their roughhousing.

“Go get a drink,” she directs Kai as she pushes him to kitchen. “Get yourself proper drunk so that it’s fun when we play Movie Madness.”

He and Tyler both groan about Caroline’s obsession with that stupid guessing game, but Tyler chases obediently after the blonde while Kai goes to liquor up. Movie Madness is fun in that teams can pretty much do anything - sing, act out scenes, play songs, charade - instead of naming actors and characters in order to help their teammate to guess the title of the movie. Kai actually likes the game, though not as much as Caroline, because with their particular group things can get rowdy from silliness and attempts at sabotage.

Bonnie and Elena are talking quietly in the kitchen when he enters and both wave greetings. Bonnie’s hello is friendly, but subdued. She’s still mad at him, but Kai was a major asshole the last time they were together - an entire fucking month ago, Kai thinks in frustration - and he hasn’t apologized yet, so he can’t blame her for being withdrawn.

Caroline’s loud voice rings out calling them to play the game and both girls sigh. Elena trots off to answer the call, but Bonnie hangs back, probably because Kai catches her gaze pleadingly and because she’s not the biggest fan of Movie Madness.

Silence reigns supreme between them. Kai pours three shots of tequila, passing one to her and taking the other two. They tap and toast before tossing back, and then Kai takes his other shot while she waits.

“Can I talk to you?” he asks, liquid courage bolstering him. Caroline calls for them again and he yells at her to just start without them, eyes still held steady on Bonnie. He can hear the bossy head cheerleader huff and mutter something passive aggressive, but he doesn’t take in her words because Bonnie is nodding her assent.

They can hear the game start and, as predicted, it’s immediately a circus, so Kai takes Bonnie’s hand and guides her out of the kitchen to get away from the ruckus. They end up upstairs in one the guest bedrooms, decorated cutely with a sailor theme, a wrought iron framed bed that Kai’s know from experience is soft as a cloud. He ignores the sight of it, turning to face Bonnie. The sounds from the game downstairs are clear, but faint. Bonnie is staring at him expectantly when he catches her eye and he has to catch his breath.

She’s beautiful, too beautiful, for this small town. For Jeremy. For him. But Kai’s wanted her for so long and there’s so much tension between them that they could snap from the strain.

He takes a step closer, gravitating, and she moves to face him more fully.

“I, uh -,” Kai pauses and swallows. His thoughts are all in a tizzy. The familiar smell of Bonnie’s lotion clouds his thoughts. He wants to lick the essence of it from her skin.

“I, um, wanted to apologize,” he tries again. “For saying what I did. I know you were only trying to help and I shouldn’t have snapped at you like I did.”

Bonnie doesn’t say anything, stepping in closer to him. He’s unsure if it’s the tequila or Bonnie, but Kai feels intoxicated, tilting his head down to hold her gaze.

“You were pretty harsh,” she replies. Her voice is husky. Her eyes flicker back and forth between his eyes and mouth. It makes him nervous, and he licks at his lips. The action causes a smirk to tip Bonnie’s mouth up.

“Why should I forgive you so easily?” she asks and her voice is lower, an octave that settles in his loins and makes his penis twitch in interest. They’re chest to chest at this point. He has to widen his stance for Bonnie to have room to be pressed against him. She cradles his face in her hands, thumbing at his bottom lip.

His tongue flicks out again, tasting the salt off her skin. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. “Being ignored by you was - fuck, Bonnie. I missed you.”

The exhale that escapes her is shaky. “Yeah?” she smiles, one hand sliding down his chest, lingering over his heart. It rattles wildly behind ris ribcage, her name pounded out with each beat. _Bon-nie. Bon-nie._ He hopes she can hear the music of it, knows that it sings only for her.

“Yeah,” he breathes. He tilts his head, presses his further into her palm, soaking up her heat. His erection is swelling beneath his jeans, and she hasn’t even done anything, she’s just breathing his air. It’s too much for him to handle. “This isn’t just me. Please tell me this isn’t just me, Bon, that this isn’t a setup for -.”

Bonnie answers him by sliding the hand on his cheek up behind his neck and clenching his shirt into her fist. She pulls him down and their lips meet.

 _Bon-nie. Bon-nie._ Tyler’s words from earlier echo in his head, lyrics to the ever present beat of her name. Kai’s been in love with Bonnie since he was eleven. He’s been fighting the feeling since fourteen.

Now that he’s not numbing himself to everything, sensation is overwhelming. _She’s_ overwhelming, contorting his senses into an amalgamation of Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie. His little dwarf has to go on tiptoes slightly just to kiss him, so he grips her waist to steady her and angles his head a little more and _fuck._

He’s kissing Bonnie.

There’s an uproar from downstairs, their friends getting way too engaged in Movie Madness, but Kai is locked into a madness all of his own, one that takes the form of chocolate flesh on sinful curves and a mind like a diamond.

Kai doesn’t even realized Bonnie’s herded him towards the bed until she pushes him back onto it and even then, his only concern is that they’ve disconnected. Reaching out to her is almost an exercise in futility since she just interlocks her fingers with his when she climbs on top of him. The seat of her panties settles against his hips and she’s so freaking hot through them that his body immediately leeches the heat from her. He’s almost at full mast now, his dick straining against the zipper of his jeans, her skirt billowed out, covering the junction where their bodies meet.

“Fuck,” he whimpers and Kai would be embarrassed if Bonnie freaking Bennett weren’t in his lap, swirling her hips in small figure eights and smiling so lovely at him.

A soft giggle escapes her, and she bends down to give him a sweet kiss that burns like starlight. Her hands leave his to disappear between them and the front of his pants come undone. She pulls away from their kiss, eyes meeting his, her pupils blown wide.

She traces the outline of his erection. “We can if you want to,” her voice is sin and his dick is eager, growing - somehow - even harder against her strokes. “But only if you want to.”

Kai nods thoughtlessly, then immediately shakes his head. “I don’t have anything.”

A condom falls on his chest and he blinks up at her, incredulous that Bonnie just pulled one out of her bra like that. She shrugs at his bewildered expression. “I was hoping you would come.”

It’s that casual admittance that seals Kai’s decision, the confirmation that she wanted this, that she _hoped for this_. Kai grips at the condom and starts to open it, Bonnie leaning up and back slightly to help him tug his pants down and whip his dick out. It falls onto his belly once it’s free, heavy, flushed, and leaking precum before he has it wrapped in the latex. Bonnie shoves the crotch of her panties to one side and for a second, he catches sight of glistening pink before she’s sliding down on him.

Kai’s not a virgin, but he’s not Jeremy either: he was never all that interested in just getting his dick wet. Most of the girls he slept with fit a certain physical mold: dark-skinned,  Bambi-eyed pygmy girls with blinding bright smiles.

So when Bonnie sheaths him in her warmth, clenched tight and wet around him, it’s absolution. It’s every fantasy made into reality, the original that the knock-offs just couldn’t compare to. A hiss escapes him and he has to grip her thighs under her skirt to keep her from moving or else he’ll nut right there.

“Don’t,” he grits out when she jerks slightly, squeezing his eyes and jaw tight. Bonnie freezes. “You want to stop?” she checks and Kai gives his disagreement. A song starts to play downstairs, the tune fairly familiar, but it’s not until the first verse plays that he recognizes it.

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_

“Don’t wanna cum,” he murmurs, looking up at her through half-lidded eyes. “Just. Fuck. Gimme a sec to appreciate getting all I’ve ever wanted.”

His words cause a smile to bloom over her face, lovely as flower, and million times more mesmerizing. Kai’s hands glide up her thighs, molding over the thin sides of her panties. He thumbs at her hip bones, before guiding her to a pace he can handle.

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_

_And I don't want to go home right now_

She’s good to him and Kai doesn’t have to lead her for long before she catches his rhythm and makes it her own. His hands leave her hips to trace up the contours of the rest of her body: her amazing ass, her trim waist, her breasts. He unclasps her bra and pushes its cups and her shirt over the mounds.

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_And all I can breathe is your life_

Dark nipples stand to attention, begging to be played with. Kai plants his feet on the bed (mentally wincing because he knows how Mrs. Lockwood is about shoes on her furniture and, shit, neither he nor Bonnie really bothered with getting undressed, too eager to just connect), to leverage himself into a seated position. The upward jolt of his pelvis causes Bonnie’s movement to stutter and she gasps at the way the movement drives him deeper. Face to face now, he mouths at her chest, using one arm to bar her close and suckling a nipple until she’s stammering his name.

“K-Kai, fuck, baby. Please, help me,” her strangled voice gasps. “Please, please, please,” she prays.

And she sounds so pretty, begging him to help her find release. There are tears of desperation glittering in those wide, malachite eyes. The brunet presses open kisses up her neck and jawline, one hand falling between them to strum circles at her clit, the other tangling in her hair hold her head at angle that makes it easy for him to savage her neck. Her hips drive down on him and he starts to put more effort into meeting her halfway, her whimpers for more like an angel’s song in his ear.

He can feel the crest of her cervix through the condom, the way she clenches around him, the easier glide of his dick sliding in and out of her core. Bonnie shudders, clutches him into a tight embrace, her orgasm making the walls of her cunt grip around him like a clamp. He thrusts a few more times and finally grinds up into her, causing her to let out a sound between a moan and a breathless laugh when he cums.

They hold each other each other for a moment, catching their breaths. Kai leaves a kiss on Bonnie’s chin before resting his head on her shoulder. He peppers more kisses against her collarbone and she sighs, scratching his scalp tenderly.

_And I don't want the world to see me_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

_When everything's meant to be broken_

_I just want you to know who I am_

The last few riffs of the song play out, the constant shouting almost drowning out the words. His friends are stupid. Kai mutters the answer against the space between Bonnie’s clavicle and her breast.

“Hmm?” his girl pulls back slightly to look at him. She doesn’t fully let him go though, and that pleases him. He lets his arms fall in a loop around her lower back, caging her in a loose hug.

“ _City of Angels_ ,” he repeats. She furrows her brow at him in confusion. “The movie,” he points his head at the door. “It’s _City of Angels._ ”

Bonnie’s stare is pretty deadpan before she snorts and looks away, an amused grin tugging up her lips. She’s so gorgeous, Kai thinks, gazing at her affectionately.

“More 90s alt shit?” she teases. Kai’s grin matches hers.

“Yeah.”

-o0o-

It doesn’t take them long to reorder their clothes and the bed, but before Bonnie can escape out the door, he grips her wrist. He pulls the small box out of his pocket and discards it for the simple gold bracelet inside. It was something he’d gotten a while ago on impulse, shortly after Jo died and Kai was feeling particularly morose about being in love with his best friend’s girlfriend. Kai still has no idea which girl he meant it for, but only one is standing in front of him, so he clasps it around the wrist he’s holding.

“What’s this for?” she asks, observing it. Her eyes are warm and happy, so at least Kai can relax about it being to her tastes. The gentle expression makes him go soft and the answer slips out before he can think.

“I love you,” and no, nooooo, nope, not what what he meant say. Both of their eyes widen and Kai goes rigid, before he thinks, what the hell. Bonnie is still staring at him in shock when he shrugs.

“Not what I meant to say,” he clarifies. “But I did mean what I said. I love you. Have for a while.”

Bonnie’s head does this weird back and forth shuffle, like she’s shaking her head, unable to digest his sudden cavalier manner. She looks like a bewildered kitten and Kai places a laughing kiss on her forehead.

“Obviously, you don’t have to say it back. Just,” he shrugs again. “This means something. To me. So...if you want it to mean something to you, then I’m okay with that.”

He kisses the back of her hand before releasing her and opens the door to let her out. They keep their distance as they go to their friends. Kai can tell Bonnie needs some space to digest what he told her, and he’s willing to give it to her. He’s waited for her plenty, he’s learned patience. When they get to the living room, Caroline, drunk off her ass, points to them angrily.

“You two! Where have you been? Kaaaiiii,” she whines. “We need you. They’re winning.”

He chuckles. “Sorry, Blondie. I got distracted and Bonnie was just avoiding the game. You know she hates Movie Madness”

Caroline gasps in horror as the girl he just made love to smacks his chest with the back of her hand, reassuring Caroline that it was just how crazy things could get that made her aversive, not because she secretly hates Caroline. The two of them settle into their teams and for the rest of the night, Kai covertly watches Bonnie fiddle with the bracelet.

She doesn’t take it off.

-o0o-

It’s the last time they can circle up with everyone before school and work start up for everyone and make meeting up harder, so Kai gives up his clean streak to toke it one more time with his friends. He takes his normal spot on the futon, but this time lies the opposite way he usually does so that he’s between Bonnie and Jeremy.

His girlfriend - and damn does it feel good to have that be his reality - doesn’t act like the change is anything noteworthy, even though he catches her secret smirk when she notices. His legs are still draped across her lap and she still pretty much ignores him, but every once in awhile, her fingers trace patterns on his skin and her smiles are the ones she reserves for him.

And his bracelet glints around her wrist like an open secret and it makes Kai giddy.

She’s extra snarky that day, and the burns she dishes out have Kai’s sides splitting. His girl can be as savage as him when she wants to be, when she doesn’t bother hiding her wit and biting sarcasm behind her golden heart.

What a fucking perfect woman.

Matt, Tyler, and Kai get into internet challenge mode, and of course Kai is kicking ass at the gallon challenge when Caroline speaks up.

“Hey Bonnie, isn’t your dad back in town?”

His girl looks away from the competing boys to answer. “Uh, yeah. He got back last night. He wants to take me to dinner soon.”

Kai slams the empty milk gallon down on the table. Ugh. He feels sick. Matt drops his own gallon to exchange it for the wastebin, vomiting into the bucket.

There’s a collective groan and Kai has to slap a hand over his own mouth and swallow a few times to keep from joining him. Tyler doesn’t even try and spits up back into the milk carton, his groans of horror joining the cacophony of “ew” and “gross”. Kai closes his eyes to the disturbing sights. Jeremy’s laugh rings loud and he encourages Kai to hold it in.

He makes his way back on the futon, eyes still closed and Bonnie pats his back sympathetically. The gesture is appreciated because Kai feels like shit. That was a bad idea. Who let him do that? This is why he should listen to his dad and give up pot.

Fuck, Kai’s definitely sick if he’s assenting that listening to Papa Parker is a good idea.

“He’s not going to make it,” Elena teases. “Bonnie, Kai’s gonna blow, you better back up.”

Kai tosses the bird in her general direction and tries to even out his breathing at the same time Bonnie tells her to shut up. That surprises Kai, and once again, he finds himself mentally praising her perfection.

“Tell you what, if Kai holds it in, I’m taking him to my congrats grad dinner with my dad.”

Stefan and Caroline burst out in laughter, joking that if Kai somehow manages not to upchuck that they’ll probably kill each other before the appetizers come out. Their friends think the two of them are still in their frenemy kick, don’t know how the nature of their relationship has changed, but Kai takes the challenge for what it is. It’s a private burn on how dumb their friends can be as much as it’s declaration that she wants to make their relationship official.

Bonnie wants to introduce him to her family as her boyfriend.

That in and of itself has Kai clenching his jaw and swallowing until his stomach settles and the nausea passes. It’s a dumb way to go about it, but he wants to prove their friends wrong and he also wants to send Bonnie a message:

He’s serious about her.

It takes a few minutes for the nausea to pass. Matt and Tyler are still of throwing up and crying somewhere. When the sick feeling finally dissipates, he stands up and arches a brow at the three fools on the couch. “What’s the next challenge?”

As Kai moves on to the next one, he doesn’t notice Jeremy’s thoughtful expression as he looks over the two people on the futon.

-o0o-

“Hey,” Kai looks up from his laptop, taking in Jeremy standing in his bedroom doorway.

“Yo, what’s up?” he replies, turning to face him.

Jeremy comes in and settles on the bed, focused more on the floor than his friend. He’s quiet, for once, the reticence mildly concerning.

“You okay?” Kai ventures.

Finally Jeremy looks up at him. “You and Bonnie, huh?”

Oh.

Kai doesn’t know why the words take him by surprise. He’s broken some sort of code, hooking up with his best friend’s ex, but neither he nor Bonnie ever really think about the entire context of their situation when they’re together. Alone, it’s just them and the thing between them, no Jeremy or Jo occupying any space around them. Jeremy might have treated Bonnie like shit their entire relationship, but Kai knows he genuinely liked her despite his inability to save his dick for her. Having his best friend swoop in and get with her only a few months after their official break-up - and not bother telling him about it - must sting.

“Yeah,” Kai breathes. He can’t apologize for wanting Bonnie; she’s the best girl in the world. But he does feel bad that his desire hurt his friend. “Who told you?”

“Elena,” Jeremy mutters. “Were you ever going to say anything? Or were you just going to keep lying to me?” He shakes his head. “Bonnie told Elena and Elena told me, but you’re my best friend and you didn’t say shit.”

“I didn’t lie though,” Kai points out. “I just didn’t bring it to your attention.”

A swift kick to his shin makes him curse, but Jeremy doesn’t follow up with another strike. He just keeps on staring at the ground, looking, for all intents and purposes, like a sad puppy.

“I think I knew,” he admits quietly. “That you liked her the whole time. I just ignored it because I liked her too and figured if you didn’t care enough to get between us, then you must not have felt that strongly about her.”

“That’s stupid logic,” Kai replies. Jeremy laughs.

“Yeah, I know. I was just being selfish, as usual,” he falls quiet again. “I think that’s why I was always cheating on her. I _liked_ her, I never felt anything for those other girls like what I felt for Bonnie, but I always kind of resented her too.”

Kai just stares at him, not knowing what to say, but figuring his friend needed to get this off his chest before they could move forward.

“She was just...always between us? You and me. And she never acted around me like she did around you. I wasn’t really special, she just treated me like she did Matt or Tyler or Stefan, only with more affection. But when she was with you, it was like she came alive, even when it was because you did something to piss her off.

“There was just…,” he pauses his confession here, briefly, before continuing in a slightly bitter tone. “No passion between us. And that annoyed me. So I fucked around on her and I kept bringing it all up around you. I guess I was trying to punish you both.”

Silence stretches between them before Kai gets up and, as hard as he can, socks Jeremy in the arm.

“Ow!” the other brunet boy shouts and glares at Kai, clutching his bicep. “What the fuck, Kai?”

“Don’t ‘what the fuck’ me,” he growls back. “You dick. What a fucked up reason to treat your girlfriend like shit. You should have just talked to her.”

Jeremy chuckles. “Yeah, I guess,” he looks at Kai affectionately. “But if I hadn’t been a dick, she might’ve never broken up with me.”

Kai ruffles his hair. “Don’t kid yourself, Jerry-boy.”

He doesn’t say it, but Bonnie is his destiny. It took Kai a while to realize that it was always going to be her and him, one way or another.

“Whatever,” Jeremy sighs and swipes his hand away. “Just treat her right, okay? I’ll kick your ass if I hear you act anything like I did.”

There’s nothing Kai can say to that won’t potentially cause a fight, so instead he grabs a frisbee off his shelf and waves it.

“Ultimate?” he offers, hoping his message for peace gets across. Jeremy stands, looking solemn, before:

“Do you even have to ask?”

-o0o-

The dinner with Bonnie, her grams, and her dad goes pretty well. It’s at a decently fancy restaurant where they had to dress up slightly to get in and Bonnie had told her dad early that she was bringing a guest so he could Kai to the reservation. Sheila Bennett reminds him of his dad, but that’s a comfort. He ends up treating her with almost open admiration because of it, and she must find it flattering because by the time their entrees arrive she’s gone from flinty assessment to wide smiles and engaging conversation.

Mr. Hopkins is harder to pin down, but he doesn’t seem to hate Kai in particular, just what Kai represents: a horny teenage boy hounding his daughter. But that was more how Jeremy had acted than Kai.

Kai - Kai can’t really keep his eyes off of Bonnie. And maybe it’s the awestruck look on his face that appears every time she blinks, but eventually Mr. Hopkins eases up.

By the end of the night, he’s exchanged numbers with both of them and Kai’s proud to have earned the blessing of the two most important people in Bonnie’s life. He’s earning his girl just like he promised himself he would.

Later that night, his phone lights up with a message from Grams - she had insisted he call her that - with an attachment that brings a grin to his face.

The next day, Kai goes out and buys himself a simple grid-lined journal. Keeping a diary had always been his twin’s thing, but Kai can’t bring himself to look at Jo’s diary without feeling some burning resentment. He figures a better way to keep her memory alive was to adapt the habit himself until time has given him enough distance to be able to go over his sister’s words without feeling tangled up in knots.

Kai soothes open the first page and paperclips in the image Grams sent that he printed out on 3x5 photo stock paper. Beneath it he pens:

_Bonnie and me, Congrats Grad Dinner summer ‘13_

**Author's Note:**

> Link for the pic Gram's sent Kai - https://www.dropbox.com/home?preview=bonkai+fic.jpg


End file.
